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07 October 2012 @ 10:43 pm
Personal ramblings and whatnot  
It's very funny that I have this big crush on my now former japanese teacher.
See, I could make even a 120 page-long essay on how perfect he is to my eyes yet he just wouldn't notice it.
My mates have told me it's really obvious but he is either too oblivious or he just plays dumb because he is also scared that a very young person likes him a lot.
I am scared too.
See, I also have liked people that are way too old for me but all of them are either celebrities/fictional characters/idols and then there's him. And the thing here is that I am scared because this just feels more real than my crazy love for Henry Lau/Choi Seung Hyun/Choi Min Ki/Benedict Cumberbatch/Tom Hiddleston. 
He is far from being similar to either of those mentioned above -aside from the fact he is pretty much into music as well- but he never fails in driving me crazy nevertheless.
His smile, his personality, his voice, the way he sees the world, how he treats me, his jokes, God, I just...
I just am scared, that is all.
I am scared because I don't know how much longer this will last before it becomes too big and starts getting out of my hands, before I won't be able to take it anymore and do something really stupid.
He is 26 years old, I am 14. He'll be 30 by the time I turn 18 and at that time he'd probably be:
  1. Into women around his age
  2. looking for a more serious relationship
  3. already in one
  4. married
  5. had already left for Japan
  6. will no longer be a japanese teacher
  7. a famous rockstar
  8. idk man i just love putting some drama into my already messed up life
Man, it's just too hurtful.
I am also scared because the last relationship I was in ended up in a very awful way, so I don't want to crack this friendship bond he and I have if either he just doesn't like me back or we actually become an item or something of the like but then break up in bad terms. I don't want that.
It's sad because I just don't know what to do with my life anymore because I jst don't know and don't really want to know atm how my parents are gonna react when I tell them that I:
  1. Want to become a man
  2. A man who likes other men
  3. Want to leave this country for good
  4. Have a big crush on him
  5. Want to head off to Korea/Canada/Japan to meet and marry Henry Lau
  6. Want to legally change my gender without really having surgery
  7. Have a big crush on someone 12 years older.
The last one would really be hypocrite since my mom is older than my dad for months so if they react really bad towards this one (making the supossition that they'll ever find out) I will be very dissapointed.
Have you heard about this 24 year old chinese pop star Zhang Muyi and his 12 year old girlfriend, Miki Akama?
All my friends and family members were grossed out when they found out about it and said really nasty things about them and I almost cried because what if it's almost the same with me?
Regardless of who that person is, if they get to be a whole generation older, if that's what they are actually going to think...well, the  I gues I don't want them to know ever in life!
Because the amount of years between him and me is also 12 years.
But then it also happens that one of their parents (my friend's parents) is older by a couple of years than the other.
"It isn't the same; the gape is of 3 years at most"
Don't come and tell me that rubbish.
It is the same, if one is older by some years, it never really matters how many years, it's the same.
Oh how I wish I could also have that kind of relationship with him as well...that he also wouldn't care about my age, age doesn't matter.


There is also the fact I have no talent in anything and he writes, composes, plays the guitar, speaks 4 languages without any problem, has a degree in the career I also want to study and he has even been engaged before.
And then you have me, whose first kiss was given in a hospital and the fellow died a week after. That's how I feel, I feel as if Ajax was actually the only one for me, but now that he is dead I kind of feel weird because he also missed a lot of beautiful things of life.
He never had a first time (Just for you to know, I really think that making love isn't the same as having sex because for me sex could be wonderful if the one you are having it with really matters to you and you want to bond in every way possible with them and it's not just a one night-stand; and yes, I am still a virgin as well, but if I ever have sex it'll be with someone that will really matter to me, thank you very much.)
that kiss was also his first kiss in life, he never got to have a lot of friends, go to parties, spend time with family, spend time with anyone who was inportant to him, grow his hair long and then get it fully-shaved, attend a concert of his favourite band...
It saddens me because he just didn't deserve what happened to him.

Paul was somehow scared and moved by this story and he also tried very hard in aming me to move on but back then I couldn't, and I think that's pretty much why we broke up in really really bad terms, I still can't, though. It's been 3 years and I still miss Ajax a lot. See, this isn't my real name, I am taking his name as a surname.
What makes you think I will move on with him? Perhaps that'll just make things worse. I am helpless, and I am really sorry for it.

I try everyday, hard, really hard, I try doing it for my own happiness and for him, but that is just really difficult because everyday I miss him more, well, not more but I still remember him.

But then again I want to make from my life something more, other than a whole drama, I wait for the day when I will just call Ajax my first love and just that; for the day I will not cry my eyes put whenever I remember our first kiss.
I am so sorry.
Again, I don't feel like I am ready for another kind of relationship because the last one was just a wreck and made me remember Ajax more.
I am so sorry.
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音楽: Pretty Boy - Zhang Muyi & Akama Miki